Tuesday, December 25, 2007
Whilst I am off on the west coast in mid 70's weather the rest of my cronies are stuck in the barren wasteland of chicago where its cold. Merry Saturnalia to you DBs and since most of my posts have a video attached here you go
Friday, December 21, 2007
Thursday, December 20, 2007
We were called into a quarterly meeting to discuss some relatively useless shit today. In truth I would say 4/5 of this meeting was pointless chest beating by the heads of the respective departments.
For my portion of this meeting, as it was spread across several locations therefore making it a "virtual" meeting, took place in a small conference room. In this room there was a long table with a projector displaying slides of the meetings various topics. Although there were maybe 12 people in the room I was sat near the far end of the table away from the projection screen.
The projector was placed too close to the screen making the slides difficult to read for those of us on the opposite side of the room. Being proactive I asked the person who set up the projector to move, actually I said scoot, the projector back a few inches to increase the size on the screen.
His reply.... Uhhhhh. Which translates to no.
We then suffered through some more slides and when some guy, who I have never seen before in my life, was explaining a slide that must of included his entire CV as well as the first few chapters of War and Peace I knew i had enough. I then approached my boss and asked him to move it. He then said something to his boss. She the fooled with the video cable and then consulted with her boss who was the host of the meeting.
After this seemingly simple request filtered its way up the chain of command the eventual outcome from my bosses bosses boss was for those of us in the back of the room to "move up." I neglected to mention that the meeting was temporarily stopped while the potential move of a overhead projector was discussed.
I hate people...
Update from RDukes: Um, please phrase posts in terms of "awesome/nawesome" and not the "suckiness" paradigm.
And yes, I did just add to the Aw-Some Blog lexicon. Since I love corporations and efficiency, I've shortened "not awesome" to "nawesome".
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
-Jamie Lynn Spears, 16 years old, is pregnant. It's not all that unusual for a 16 year old to get pregnant, but it's rare to hear of a 16 year old celebrity (is she one?) getting knocked up. I'm loving all the discussion of what kind of message this sends to other 16 year olds.
-Undercover cop banged on my door today. He had what looked to be a warrant and was looking for my neighbor. Just like I learned on "The Wire", I didn't say a word. I ain't no snitch! Plus, I really don't know anything about the neighbor in question, other than the fact that she's not around much.
-A friend of mine described someone I know as a "wet fart". He's right on with the assessment too. That's probably the worst thing you can say about another person. There's nothing good or funny about a "wet fart", or shart. And so if that's what you're like, a bit of shit juice in the underwear and on my asscrack, you really fucking suck. And if a nice guy like my friend thinks you're a "wet fart", you might be the worst person in the world.
-The opposite of a "wet fart" is the new Lupe Fiasco album, The Cool. Just downloaded it yesterday, and I have to say, it's pret-ty good. Check out his video for "Dumb It Down":
Sunday, December 2, 2007
Though I no longer watch (fake) professional wrestling, it was, upon much reflection, a big part of my childhood. I remember watching WWF and then wrestling with my father as early as 3 or 4 years old. Gotta say, it was pretty awesome.
I continued to watch wrestling through my teens (and for a brief period, again, in college), and "The Ultimate Warrior" was one of my favorite wrestlers (favorite tag team: "Legion of Doom", previously known as "Road Warriors"). Sometimes taking a fresh look at your favorite childhood things isn't a good idea. This isn't one of those times. Clearly, I knew awesome from an early age. Just check out what "the Warrior" had to say to the "Warrior Nation".
Friday, November 30, 2007
While we don't support Huckabee, it's hard to deny that his latest web ad (I assume it's a web ad and not actually on the air) is pret-ty good.
I initially saw that Chuck Norris endorsed Huckabee, and I figured it was going to be a regular ad (and I was prepared to like Chuck Norris less because of it). However, I was pleasantly surprised with the ad's play on the whole Chuck Norris phenomenon.
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
This week, the nod goes once again to the CW. On "Aliens in America" (which, by the way, has the worst. theme-song. ever.), not only used the phrase "roman helmet" but also properly described it as hanging one's genitals on another individual's face.
Luckily for you all, I couldn't find a picture of a "roman helmet" in google image search (with the filter off).
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
It truly captures that public access feel.
Speaking of public access, does anyone else feel like Misanthrope's posts on this blog are public access-esque?
Thursday, November 22, 2007
I hope everybody is having a blast with the fam today....
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Monday, November 5, 2007
Why? Two douche references within 30 seconds.
The show has some decent social commentary about acceptance, treatment of immigrants in the U.S. in a post-9/11 world and all that good stuff. But c'mon, pushing the envelope of acceptable language is way more important.
And by the way, let me take this moment to declare something not at all awesome: any show, I'm looking at you "Battlestar Galactica", that instead of using actual curse words uses fake swear words like "frac". Though a seemingly clever way to use the word fuck, this instead is as cool as using "fudge". I like this show (though I haven't spent nearly enough time plowing through the newer series), but this is pretty douchey. While the writers are at it, why not add "shoot", "darn" and "a-hole" to the lexicon.
"Battlestar Galactica" could learn a lesson from the shows on CW: take the incremental steps toward a better society and use the tools at your disposal (douche, bitch, asshole, shit, and maybe even shitballs). Don't go trying to start some new words that emulate "bad" words. That's like giving the gays civil unions instead of just letting them experience, uh, joy of real marriage. It's second-class and wrong.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
So, I've been pleasantly surprised with recent developments in non-HBO TV. Now, shows on FX like "Rescue Me", "Nip/Tuck", and "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" have used everything minus the Fuck-bomb for a while now. Shit, pussy, bitch, asshole: all are fair game in those shows, and I appreciate that. The good shows plus the swearing (and partial nudity) almost get it up to HBO territory.
But I post today to applaud the uptick in inappropriate language on other channels like CW and TBS. They still aren't going all the way, but I'm hearing more bitches and, more importantly, douche bags. In fact, the slightly above-average "My Boys" on TBS had an entire episode dealing with heavy subject matter: one of the main characters was acting like a "douche bag". Now that's terrific television.
I can only hope that the networks continue down this path toward filth. My life will be more enjoyable. And, my inappropriate language will become more mainstream.
So fuck you and your douche bag kids, bitches.
(Please note that I resisted posting an image of a douche bag to accompany this post. I'd like folks to know, however, that a Google image search for "douche bag" comes up with a picture of Bill O'Reilly and a few pictures of the lead singer from 'Thrope's favorite band in the world, Creed.)
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Theoretically, I'm all for shows ending on top rather than dragging on. But it still sucks, especially considering a mediocre season of The Wire would be better than most anything else on television. I could've easily tolerated many more seasons of The Sopranos.
I can only hope that David Simon and his creative partner Ed Burns (no, not the Ed Burns my wife fantasizes about) create something else for HBO. (Update: Having finished the long, long article I link to below, it looks as though Simon and Burns will begin work on an Iraq-themed miniseries for HBO.)
In case you won't take my word for how awesome the show is, take a look at what a slightly higher-brow publication, The New Yorker, has to say about the show.
For those who think I'm overreacting, please consider that I've lost some great HBO programs over the past year or so: The Sopranos, Deadwood, Rome, John From Cincinnati, and even Six Feet Under (though it's not on par with the others listed here). This is cramping my Sunday night style. HBO, you got some work to do.
Monday, October 29, 2007
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Those of us who have known blog contributor Optimistic Misanthrope have long been aware of his problem...
He lacked a Wii.
It was always kind of awkward. He just never had that swagger that comes with having a Wii. He wouldn't even bring girls back to his apartment because of this deficiency.
We're so proud of him. He finally got his Wii. It's good that we can joke about it now.
Next question: when will 'Thrope get some matching balls?
Thursday, October 18, 2007
My review is as follows...
I played the sports games that it came with and after I had overcome the initial learning curve I can say it was pretty cool. Down side to it is that it may become less cool as time goes on but for now its great. The boxing is fun and so is the baseball. Golf is a little picky with your follow through. To a small extent the bowling suffers from this same problem but it is easier to overcome.
In my purchase I also bought the new Zelda game. This is the complete opposite from the sports games as I promptly sat down and turned into a giant sloth while playing. Nonetheless it was a good buy.
If you need more convincing if this was a good purchase versus buying a PS3 or an Xbox look at this....
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Trying to buy something that is hard to find. I have been trying for the last couple days and all I am left with is one question...
Can a brother get a Wii?
By the topic of this post you can guess the answer to that question. I have taken to extreme measures in order to procure one. I have installed a widget on my desktop that will notify me when certain retailers have one in stock. I also have bookmarked anther page that will show me similar results. I am looking into buying one via EBay but I am still a little sketchy on that avenue.
As of today there was one retailer that had one available and that was Walmart. First of all its Walmart (automatic disqualification). Secondly the bundle they were offering was $650 before taxes. Although this was a "good deal" it is still a little more that I wanted to spend. If jesus would stop hating me for a minute I may be able to get one.
AS of right now I am resolved to get one soon but that may wait based on other needs. Nonetheless though I am going to get one of those bastards before the spring when they release a Star Wars game based on using lightsabers. In complete contrast to this post the fact that there will be a lightsaber game is TOTALLY FUCKING AWESOME!!!11!
Monday, October 15, 2007
I attended a wedding the other night. It was at a swank place. And that can only mean one thing: top-shelf liquor and an open bar. Because I'm a man of limited means, I like to take advantage of these situations by starting my night with a few Jameson's on the rocks. Then I move on to Heineken or Amstel Light, depending on my mood. I did just that and as tends to happen, I reached the awesome zone. For those not familiar, the awesome zone is that perfect moment while drinking when you have a good buzz going but yet are still coherent enough to discuss political philosophy, if necessary. It's a great place to be, and 2 Jameson's will usually get me there.
Unfortunately, I wasn't in the awesome zone for long. I spent maybe a half hour there before moving on to, well, just being drunk. Thankfully, there were plenty of folks more drunk than me. However, I was with the in-laws (who rarely, if ever, enter the awesome zone, let alone get drunk), so I still had to watch myself.
I didn't do anything to get me in trouble the next day. I did bust out a few sweet dance moves (stole Seth Rogen's rolling dice move from Knocked Up--used it almost exclusively, in fact). Then I noticed that the live band had a cowbell player. I tried so hard to get that dude to bang the fuck out of that thing by quoting Chris Walken's Bruce Dickenson in that awesome SNL clip. I was unsuccessful the first time. But that didn't stop me. I tried three more times, but apparently the douche bag hadn't seen the SNL sketch I was referencing.
Or, maybe the guy was just trying to do his job and was ignoring me. From my perspective, though, he missed an opportunity to be awesome. In honor of my attempt, I share the "More Cowbell" clip.
Thursday, October 11, 2007
And this, my friends, is the reason hockey, when played properly (like in this clip), is an awesome sport. It doesn't get more awesome than dudes on skates trying to kick the shit out of each other. This was all in one game.
Tonight at RDukes' soccer game (we won both, thank you very much), a hockey game broke out when some douche stupidly threw a punch at one of our players. We had more guys, however, and we were bigger (and by bigger, I basically mean fatter). What an idiot. He got put on the ground ASAP.
Then one of my buddies jumped in an "attempt" to break up the fight. How did he do that? By punching some other guy in the back of the head. Pretty sure he broke his hand. So what do we learn from this incident? 3 things.
1. Don't throw a punch when the other team has more guys and are bigger than your team.
2. Don't try to break up a fight by throwing an additional punch (doesn't really send the right message).
3. Don't punch people in the back of their head, because it's more likely than not harder than your fist (unless you're talking about a baby's head--which you probably shouldn't be punching anyhow).
Man, I drops knowledge.
Friday, October 5, 2007
Just playing God of War II for the ol' PS2, and it's pretty sick. I'm on a mission of revenge against Zeus, that motherfucker who sent me to Hades. What a prick.
Only downside to being a God of War...sore thumb.
Thursday, October 4, 2007
Awesome: getting on a flight with 137 seats and only 34 people.
Bonus Awesome: your bag waiting for you at the baggage claim.
Not Awesome: Cubs losing to the Douche-backs last night.
Bonus Not Awesome: Being so tired that you fall asleep in the 8th inning...ruining any chance of a Cubs rally. I take full responsibility for the loss.
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
Tuesday, October 2, 2007
Friday, September 28, 2007
Now it's time to bring it home, Cubbies. Bring home the big dog.
What's the most awesome show on television? It is NOT any of the following: Lost, The Sopranos, Deadwood, Scrubs, The Office, Grey's Anatomy, or American Idol.
Nor is it any of these: Desperate Housewives, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Battlestar Galactica, So You Think You Can Dance?
In fact, the most awesome show on television is...The Wire.
Thems the facts. This show totally rules over all other shows. Unless you're a dumbass jerk who doesn't agree with this judgment.
And if that's the case, you shouldn't be reading a blog all about awesome.
If you're unsure of my assessment, I challenge you to drink a little Johnnie Walker (red label, let's not get too fancy) and watch a couple of episodes of The Wire.
Since they aren't the type to brag on themselves (ahem, Sopranos), I just felt the need to declare with all my might how awesome The Wire is. It's great for many reasons. However, what makes it particularly awesome is the fact that each season gets better and better. I actually started watching the show in the middle of season 3 (way awesome). Then I watched season 4 (the most recent) in its entirety (fucking awesome). I then used my Blockbuster service to get seasons 1 and 2 (awesome and awesome, respectively).
What's the show about, you might reasonably ask? Well, I don't feel like describing it. So here's one of the show's creators, David Simon, doing it for me:
"Thematically, it's about the very simple idea that, in this postmodern world of ours, human beings—all of us—are worth less. We're worth less every day, despite the fact that some of us are achieving more and more. It's the triumph of capitalism."
"Whether you're a corner boy in West Baltimore, or a cop who knows his beat, or an Eastern European brought here for sex, your life is worth less. It's the triumph of capitalism over human value."
A real feel-good show, you know. Now, don't get all worried. The show can be that heady if you want it to be. However, it can also just be a damned good show set in Baltimore about the Police and the Politicians, and the Drug Dealers. It works on simple and complex levels.
Thursday, September 27, 2007
Over the past two weeks I've been entranced with the new ad for Halo 3. Now, I've never played Halo 1 or 2, and I don't plan on playing Halo 3. This is mostly because I can't stand playing first-player games. I get headaches, plus I suck. Not sure which is the chicken or the egg there.
Anywho, this commercial is awesome. So awesome, in fact, that it almost made me suck it up and just buy a shitload of Advil so that I could play it. The commercial does something that good movies can do...it causes me to feel some emotion. And there's no words!
First feeling: oh shit, earth is getting destroyed. As the ad continues, the music moves me to feel the slightest bit of hope...that the humans just might have a fighting chance against these douche-bag aliens who are attacking us for no good reason. That's, of course, if you don't suck at playing the game and blow it for all of us. I'll leave it to others to save us from impending doom.
So kudos to the fuckers who came up with this piece. It almost did its job by getting me to buy it.
Saturday, September 22, 2007
So, I just got finished watching the Ultimate Fighting Championship (UFC) pay-per-view event this evening. The match-ups didn't promise to be all that exciting, but I couldn't help but order because I'm a nerd.
Even if all the fights went according to who was better on paper, I figured it'd be good to see Shogun Rua's UFC debut. Also, it couldn't hurt to see Chuck Liddell comeback from his loss to "Rampage" Jackson. I was also looking forward to seeing Diego Sanchez lose again (he just annoys me).
Well, I was able to see Diego Sanchez lose again...but even that didn't go as well as I anticipated since I actually like Sanchez more after his loss. The kid showed heart and humility. Hard to hate that.
And then all hell broke loose. Forrest Griffin beat Mauricio "Shogun" Rua (that' Rua with an "H" sound--Poutegese, bitch). To put this in perspective: Rua was ranked number 1 or 2 in almost all rankings at 205 lbs. Griffin wasn't ranked and was thought of as a sacrificial lamb for Rua's debut in the UFC. As if that weren't enough, Keith "The Dean of Mean" Jardine (I kid you not) beat former light-heavyweight champion Chuck Liddell in a 3-round brawl.
That's why the sport of MMA is awesome. Over the past year, the number of hu-ge upsets in this sport is unbelievable. A quick count: I think there have been at least 7 huge upsets in the past year...at least 3 of those for titles.
When we watch sports, of course we want our favorite team to win. And if they happen to be the awesome team (Bulls during the 90's for me) we're fine with the fact that there is a lack of competition. Beyond that, however, most sports fans crave a good upset.
MMA/UFC has delivered those upsets this year. Some people consider this a negative for the sport since newer fans have trouble wrapping their heads around the fact that their favorite fighters are unlikely to go undefeated and/or lose to someone they've never heard of. Simple fact is: getting hit with a good punch or having a bad night is not that uncommon.
So that's why mixed martial arts is awesome. I like to feel all torn up inside after a sporting event. Either I'm feeling on top of the world because my Cubbie's are about to make the playoffs (fingers crossed...go Brewers' opponents!). Or, if my guy or team loses, I'm feeling all anxious and unsure about life itself. Either way, it distracts me, however momentarily, from life. And that's what sports for me is about: having an irrational bond with a game that has no impact on my well-being. Tonight, the game was a controlled fight with rules. And tonight, I feel totally irrational about this shit.
And that's awesome.
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
I am in these leagues for fun. My work league is fun because it offers me further opportunities to harass and make fun of my co-workers. I work with some pretty cool people and on the other hand I also work with some basement dwelling ogres who are socially inept. Needless to say my repertoire of smart-ass comments and comebacks is always put to good use. The second league I am in is with a few friends of mine and is a $25 buy in. I know its not much money but seeing as I just ended my fantasy baseball league which cost me $107.50 and not to mention was awful. This league was manned by the guys that in high school were voted "Least Likely to Evolve" (present company excluded). They were all friends of friends, save 3 of them, and I didn't enjoy it one bit.
The second league is better cause it is with my close friends and one guy even named his team after my actions during the weekend of another league member's bachelor party. That was awesome! I don't mind losing $25 to a group of friends...Hell I don't even mind losing $20 to some of the same people at our semi-monthly poker night. In fact some may say I enjoy it.
The worst part is that because I choose to partake in these leagues that the assumption is made that I will be good. In essence I rarely ever do good in them and if I do lose it is readily pointed out by R Dukes as a glorious revelation. Trust me its not. I wonder if at all if he will do at least 1 of 2 things. First...Will he be as excited if I actually win and make another attempt at being humorous. Second will he get my name right.
These are yet to be seen but I remain hopeful. Until then I will continue my mediocre streak in all fantasy sports.
Now if they had fantasy leagues for stuff that I was good at then I would totally pwn the likes of RDukes and NBE DOWO (name is disguised to keep his anonymity). I need a Fantasy league based on making fun of people or watching TV. I'm pretty good at those.
Friday, September 14, 2007
After our earlier post on the New Zealand All Black's pre-game ritual, I'll have to add "good at dancing" to my list of things I know about New Zealanders. The only other thing I know is Lord of Rings.
And if you enjoyed the clip above, check this duet from the final scene of this season's Flight of the Conchords. I do believe this is more awesomer.
There fans seem to share similarities with soccer/football fans across the globe (not including American soccer fans, of course, who don't care about soccer). Namely, that they like to get really loaded before, during, and after the games. Check out the jovial nature of thes Aussie rugby fans...
See, hippies, it's not just American frat boys who can be total and complete dicks.
Here's an awesome idea: Maybe we should just send all our American frat boys over to Australia. Seems like a good place to send the unwanteds of our society.
Thursday, September 13, 2007
"You need a new one (ID)"
"I know. It expires today."
"But you're going to need to get a new one!"
"I know. It expires today though"
"You're going to have to get a new one cause we cant serve you if its invalid."
"I know but it expires today"
"You need to get a new one or you could get a ticket after midnight"
"I know but it's still good"
This went on back and forth until she gave my ID back. This whole conversation wasn't really necessary as I already had a beer given to me by the other bartender. Nonetheless this was an interesting opener.
Later El Duque and I went to a bar for a couple more and to possible see Rhode Island. To my dismay Rhode Island wasn't there but they had plenty of beer in glasses...so we had a couple.
All in all a good night. If Jenny from the block had been there I could have tried to ask for her phone number again, but she wasn't. Last time I tried I got shot down but since it was my birthday I could have asked for it as a present.
Thanks to everybody for hanging. Good night out!
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
Today, we see an awesome pre-game ritual by New Zealand All Blacks. Not only is the ritual awesome, but that name is awesome. Ironically, I'm not certain any of the players are black.
Now I don't know how this match turned out, but that bit of theatrics is pretty awesome. It's like synchronized swimming, except for on a rugby field.
Mr. 'Thrope hit the 3-decade mark today. He'll look and feel a little older today. He'll probably receive some emails from AARP. He may slip in the shower. He'll defintely suck even more at fantasy football.
So to our fan base out there (all 3 of you), wish him the best in his final years.
And to 'Thope, let us all know if turning 30 is awesome or not. I SAID, LET US ALL KNOW IF TURNING 30 IS AWESOME OR NOT.
And happy birthday.
Monday, September 10, 2007
Now, I don't presume to know anything about that special person in your life. But one thing I know for sure, he or she isn't nearly as awesome as my wife.
My wife is much more awesome for any number of reasons...most of which involve her being my wife and putting up with me. But today, I bring you a reason that has nothing to do with putting up with me.
My beautiful bride completed a tri-athalon. Not only that, but she kicked that 3-event sport's ass! Above, you can see her in the blue cap already passing those jerks in the yellow caps who were in the heat before my wife. I believe this is the point during the swim where she (probably) yelled, "Get the fuck out my way you yellow-capped douche bags!"
It's also pretty awesome that my wife likes to call people douche bags (she started that a few months back). She has a pretty good douch-o-meter. So you know that RDukes can't be a douche-bag if she married me (I blew zeroes on the douch-o-meter).
She ran a tri-athalon and that makes her tri-awesomer than all you fools.
I'm so getting laid after she reads this. Nice.
Tuesday, September 4, 2007
After a good rest, I awoke 8 hours later and drove into town to pick up some supplies (donuts and ice, to be exact). I was cruising at 50mph, which is the speed limit for most of that road. Unfortunately, I happened to be on the stretch that was 35mph. A copper driving the other direction pulled a u-turn and pulled my sorry ass over.
But that's not the end of this long, drawn out story. Not even close. The female copper comes up to my window and said something about speeding. Blah, blah. She asked if that case of beer in my backseat was open. It wasn't. Then she asked if I had been drinking...
I said, "nope."
She said, "were you drikning last night?".
"What time did you stop?" the copper said.
"What time did you start?" the copper said.
"In the morning?"
"In the PM."
"When I walked over, I could smell alcohol right away." She took both of our licenses and went back to her squad car.
I leaned over to my wife so she could smell my breath...Mrs. RDukes doesn't drink, and she couldn't smell any alcohol on me. We figured I'd get a ticket and be done with it.
The officer was on the radio for a while. I forgot that Tribal police don't have jurisdiction over non-natives on the reservation. A white copper showed up from the county sherrif's office. The coppers conversed momentarily. Then Whitey came over and asked me, RDukes, to step out of the car. I obliged.
"The reason I asked you step out is because you reek of alcohol--in fact, when you stepped out, I could smell it right away. We'd like to give you a sobriety test."
"Um, ok," I said.
Now, most of the time, if you take a sobriety test stone-sober, you'd wouldn't expect to feel nervous. I was, though. I'm not sure why. Maybe it was the coppers' insistence that I smelled of alcohol that planted some self-doubt. Whatever the reason, I was probably as nervous as I would be had I been drinking.
Whitey copper proceeded to have me follow the tip of his pen with my eyes, not moving my head. It was particulary difficult for a few reasons, none of which involves alcohol. First, at this point, I'm nervous as fuck. Second, the sun was blasting down, making it particularly difficult to focus on a pen tip. Third, I'm pretty sure he moved it out of my periphery.
I think I failed that test, based on a comment Whitey made later.
Next up, the dreaded walk in a straight line test. I think I did fine on this, but let me tell you, the side of a road is slanted (for runoff, I assume) making it particularly difficult to walk in a straight line. Also, Whitey had me put one foot in front of the other and then took about two minutes to give his directions (walk one foot in front of the other 9 paces--count those paces out loud--then turn and do the same back). Kind of tough to do that hold that position. Plus, I was wearing my new Crocs (very comfortable, but not the best for taking a sobriety test).
Then, the words every driver likes to hear from an officer, "do you mind if I give you a breath test?". I said, "sure, I guess so." The more I thought about it, the more I was thinking I should refuse...I didn't want to chance that I had any alcohol in my system, even though I hadn't drank in nearly 8 hours. I was damn close to telling Whitey that I'd rather not take the test. But, I didn't want to go down to the police department and ruin my first day of the long weekend.
So, he brought the little breath gadget over. He told me to blow long and hard (Now you you know I wasn't drinking because I showed an amazing amount of restraint and didn't say, "that's what she said."). I blew. And then, the officer took the device back.
I waited and pondered for the brief moment that he took to read the result. Would I get a DUI (never had one before)? Would my weekend be ruined? Then I heard the most beatiful words I've ever heard, "Well, you blew zeroes."
I should've said something cool, like, "no shit, I haven't had a drink in 8 hours you prick."
But all I said was, "Thank fucking goodness. Sorry for my language. But you guys had me nervous."
"Well, you smell like you bathed in alcohol," Whitey said. "And do you have something wrong with your right eye, it twitched real bad during the pen test."
I said, "Not that I'm aware of. I think I was just nervous. And the sun was in my eyes."
Whitey said, "Since we put you through these tests, we'll let you off with a warning. Slow down on the road."
"Thank you," I said.
That's the conclusion to this long story and post.
Lesson learned from this experience: if you want to get out of a speeding ticket, pretend like you're drunk so they let you off when you blow zeroes.
Monday, September 3, 2007
Friday, August 31, 2007
What's the deal with getting a day off of work for Labor Day? Shouldn't we work extra hard on this day.
Apologies to Gallagher if I've ripped off that lame non-joke.
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
I didn't get home until closer to 1am. Why? Oh, I don't know, perhaps because they shut down the ramp from the sky way to 90/94 forcing every car and god damn truck onto State St.
Sweet. Closing down a major high for a bit makes sense. I have a certain expectation of not hitting major traffic after 9pm on a week day. Apparently I need to blow that expecation up.
So I was pissed the whole ride home. I just wanted to scream to, not at, somebody. Then I heard a BBC piece on the radio about the first anniversary of Katrina.
Monday, August 27, 2007
So we watched a 3 good hours of man on man "professional" violence. The whole time a decent portion of the octagon was covered in blood. No, not a pool of blood, but someone in an earlier bout really bled a lot. Well after the title bout, which for a change lasted more than 47 seconds, they began to show one of the previous matches. Seeing as I paid my portion of the $60 buy-in I wanted to see the guy who bled all over the place. AMERICA! Fuck yeah!!
Nope, they didn't show it. When I spoke with the Dukes this morning right before he dumped out he said that the UFC chose not to show the previous nights blood-bath in a flailing effort to maintain the "professional" standard of a sport that is all about 2 guys beating the shit out of each other. Yet strangely enough, near the end of the Pay-Per-View extravaganza, there was a promo for the upcoming season of the Ultimate Fighter TV show. On this promo they had 2 short interviews with the new coaches for both teams and then about 4 minutes of twenty-something men breaking shit, kicking in doors, spitting at one another, cursing, and fighting outside of the "professional" setting that is the UFC Octagon.
OK, I get it. You want to establish yourself as a legitimate sport with professional fighters, we'll call it boxing minus Don King, but then why do you insist on having a reality-show in search of the next generation of "professional" fighters and recruit all but giant fucking meat-heads to be on it. I am all for calling things for what they are but this is not even close.
Lesson of the day...UFC 74: RESPECT didn't earn mine.
Sunday, August 26, 2007
In case you are still a little fuzzy about what is or what isn't awesome here are some more examples. They will speak for themselves but I won't be HARSH about it if you don't understand...
Saturday, August 25, 2007
I don't think it should've been stopped at that point. But that doesn't matter, because it was just a matter of time.
One thing no one is likely to comment on: I think Couture should lose because it was an inadvertant head butt that caused the nose being busted.
Update: Couture just admitted it. He butted Gonzaga's nose in order to win the fight.
Oh wait, Rogan's got something to say now that Couture's cock is out of his mouth.
Nevermind. He's just talking about how good Couture's cock and balls taste, even when sweaty.
Gonzaga gets booed. Those fans are stupid. Go Gabriel!
I promise to be as fair as I can be on this. But I'm rooting for Gonzaga.
Couture has a 10 minute long introduction by the poor man's Michael Buffer. Je-sus Christ.
Still going. Are you kidding me.
All right, her we go.
Apparently, Couture's into something called, "dirty boxing". Care to define that, fellas?
Another great line by the commentators: Randy wants to "impose his will on his opponent". Great analysis.
Joe Rogan: "Randy loves these battles of wills". Again, thanks for the insight.
My round 1 thoughts: I don't think Rogan and Goldberg could be slurping Randy Couture any harder. C'mon guys. His ball-sac is sweaty. Get it out of your mouths.
'Thrope just ripped ass. Man he stinks.
Looks like Gonzaga's busted nose will cause him to lose.
A busted nose doesn't look like a fun time...especially against someone who specializes in "dirty boxing".
I'm going to concentrate on the fight...I'll be back shortly.
Couture's intro music sucks too. ACDC just shows your age old man.
I think Joe Rogan and Douchebag are ready to give Couture Sainthood. Didn't I mention that they suck and that I can't wait until HBO starts broadcasting some UFC events. I doubt Max Kellerman would suck as bad.
GSP just whooped Crackhead Koscheck. Pretty sweet. Looked like Koscheck didn't have enough meth in the back room.
Couture is about to get whooped.
And sorry to save the best for last, but I, of course, won my Madden game against a lesser opponent.
Randy Couture just said he's going to "beat the dog crap" out of his opponent. That's awesome.
Gonzaga's intro music...not awesome.
Joe Rogan and the other tool who handles commentary for UFC...they suck ass and are not awesome.
Big ups to Bud Select for sponsoring this evening of live blogging. Although, next time, it'd be way better if you guys didn't make us pay for the beer.
Friday, August 24, 2007
I've been meaning to comment on Misanthrope's "Blockbuster vs. Netflix: Which is more awesome?" post. Before I start disagreeing with Mr. Thrope, I first would like to commend him for addressing one of the tough issues in the field of awesome/not awesome. Now let me make a better argument and arrive at a different conclusion.
And let me begin with that conclusion: Blockbuster is a better service.
Reason 1: for the same price as the Netflix packages, I get a better deal at Blockbuster. I get the same number of movies from their online catalogue, but I have the option of exchanging those movies in the physical Blockbuster store for additional titles. I'm not a great counter of things, but I'm pretty sure that means I get more movies per month for my fee. (Additionally, Blockbuster recently sent me a $10 coupon that reduced the price of Madden '08).
That's really the only reason. Other than that, Blockbuster sucks. But I don't buy the argument that Netflix is better and cooler because it's not as big a corporation (not that Misanthrope made such an argument). It's still a big fucking corp., and it doesn't compare financially to a local video store that struggles to get by.
Also, not sure what 'Thrope's comment about Blockbuster being Mormon was about. I just wikipedia'd that shit, and there's no mention of Mormon in the entry. My only thought is that he's referring to their history of selective moral posturing. For a while the chain did not offer "controversial" films like Last Temptation of Christ. I'm fairly certain that policy is no longer in effect, now that Blockbuster has realized that moral posturing doesn't help the bottom line (especially when they rent the entire series of Jerry Springer videos).
To wrap up this post, I do agree on one of 'Thrope's points: these two rental giants need to start renting porn. That would be totally awesome.
So my prediction for Madden is simple: I will win.
I don't have predictions for UFC, but here's who I'd like to win:
-I hope that Gabriel Gonzaga beats Randy "Clothes" Couture.
-I hope that GSP beats Koscheck.
-I don't care much about the other fights.
This is a pretty weak post, I have to admit. But the readers were clamoring for some more posting...figure I'd teach them a lesson demonstrating what happens when the two of them get pushy.
You can't force awesome, or aw-some for that matter, folks.
Have you learned nothing from this blog yet? I can only comment on this blog when something strikes me as awesome. In a way, I have to be inspired, just like the great artists of our world.
My sense is that I'll have some awesome moments this weekend. Until then, hold your fucking horses. Besides, I allegedly have a partner on this blog. And I know for a fact that his standards for awesome-ness are way lower than mine. Send your complaints him. His name is Douchenthrope.
Friday, August 17, 2007
Lets see now. I know that this game is awesome but yet I fear it lacks a permanent place on the charts. There are some new tricks and features but this is the point at which the game needs not to be released on PS2 anymore. The promise of this game is that it packs more features and better graphics and PS2 is getting tapped out oin this field. For some people, we'll call them my friends, can look at all these new features and their pants begin to shrink. Let me give you an example:
In my first of 2 staggering defeats at the hand of RDukes, I was treated to not only electronic play by play from Madden and Gifford but also from RDukes. It was like stereo plus one. When the magnanimous RDukes would score he would quickly remind me of who he used and the size of their manhood just before the recap by the computerized Gifford. "OH!!!! A 74 yard run by Vernon Davis!!! He's got big junk!" and other proclamations were standard. If the situation were to be reversed I would simply state that I scored with triangle and that I really had no information regarding his penile length.
Although the first game was a slaughter I kept the second game close. I made sure to mask most of my inability by claiming, "I hit the wrong button" or "He went the wrong way." These are nearly impossible to prove wrong. In all honesty as far as being engrossed enough in sports to actually know the names of players and their position I would rank somewhere near the bottom. I think I am right between people in a permanent vegetative state and your mom. All things considered I am still as awesome as I was before despite my lacking skill in Madden 1984-2008.
Over all the game is ok. Its no Oregon Trail but it will do.
Addendum by R-Dukes to make this poor excuse of a post better...
I guess if I sucked ass at a game, I'd also claim that it wasn't awesome. The fact of the matter is, however, that Madden '08 is more awesome than every other Madden game due to the fact that the Bears are so much better in this game. Hester at receiver...unreal. As an aside, the first play of my new Madden season, Hester ran the kickoff back for 94 yards for the score. But moving on...
And since D-Bag Misanthrope decided to cry about his trouncing in Madden, I thought I should add a bit more context. First, he had the superior teams on paper.
Game 1: He was the Saints, and I was the 49ers.
Game 2: He was the Patriots, and I was the J-E-T-S, Jets.
I jibber-jabbered the whole time, in part, because I was stoned. Plus, when you're whooping someone's ass, it's common courtesy to point out exactly how you are doing so. And can I help it if Vernon Davis has a huge dong (at least that's what I'm hearing from Misanthrope's Mom).
But let's get off moms, 'cause I just got my balls off of yours.
Today on Chicago Public Radio's 848 , Rob Wildeboar put together a terrific story about the White Pride Festival recently held at the, I KKKid you not, International Headquarters of the Ku Klux Klan just outside of South Bend, Indiana. For the full report, go here.
Tons of great stuff contained in the report, plus the website has a slideshow of supporters that you can laugh at, feel pity for, or just be awed by. I've selected a few highlights to comment on. This is the first in a series of occassional comments on the White Pride Festival...
The highlight for the tens of people in attendance was most definitely the cross-burning. Regarding the proper way to burn a cross, the Imperial Douche-bag had this to say:
"The key to a good cross is in the wood. It's definitely in the wood, then myself, I prefer to wrap it in burlap cause that's traditional. You know some may use carpet what have you but I'm just picky cause I believe in the old ways for the most part."
Say what you will about the Klan and the intelligence of its membership, but you gotta give this guy credit for being old-school. I mean, he's bringing it back to the basics. The new generation may try to get away with some carpet from their mother's basement, but this old-timer understands that, in order to send a strong message, you need good wood and some decent burlap.
Thursday, August 16, 2007
Check out his first MLS goal...
And yes, I chose that particular YouTube clip because of the awesome soundtrack.
Do you think his team mates went a little too buck? They were like a bunch of fanboys out there. If America wants to be respectable in soccer around the world, you gots to play that shit cool as a motherfucker. Just pound it out with him on the downlow.
A few great composers have added so much to our world with their awesome works. I feel that works like Brahms' First Symphony, John Lennon's Imagine, and AMG's Bitch Better Have My Money are just a few examples of great musical works.
I now would like to enter in another candidate for your consideration. It too speaks words of truth and, if you let it, will touch your soul.
Benson had a huge game. Over 170 rushing yards. 71 receiving yards. And 3 TDs. Grossman did swell. 230 yards. No interceptions. He managed a smart game plan.
If the '08 Bears are anything like the Madden '08 Bears (when I'm at the helm), I'm predicting a 16-0 season capped off with a Super Bowl victory.
And do you know what that would be? That's right, fucking awesome. Which, in case you didn't know, is the highest official awesome ranking in existence.
I'll keep the blog posted as my Madden '08 season progresses.
Monday, August 13, 2007
First- Getting dressed up is for the birds. I wear clothes that mingle with the line of business casual and slacker. That is the way to go if you ask me. The only way up is I start wearing stained sweat pants and ringer t-shirts that are a size or two too small. Then we are in an entirely new area of awesome. I am open to debate on this one.
Second- What the fuck is up with all these assholes saying, "Happy Monday!"? Screw that noise. Its fucking Monday which means that Sunday is now over and I am forced to work again. I cannot partake in some Jonestown Kool-Aid drinking bullshit that I'm supposed to be happy about it being Monday.
Here is my awesome offering for the day....
Friday, August 10, 2007
at this link in the meantime...
But I digress...
So lets look at the finer points of both and maybe we can make a decision.
1- Plenty of new and old movies to choose from.
I am going to have to go with a tie on this one as I am only a NF subscriber and would only suspect that BB is as expansive.
FAIL!!! I am still left to get my adult related content from various sources on the inter webs.
3- Turn around time.
This I am going to have to give to BB. They let you go to the nearest store and trade in your movies for the next one in your queue. No NF stores = boo.
Clear winner here is NF. Uh oh Mr. BB do not pass Go, do not collect any gold plates, do not collect $200. Go straight to Utah. You lose.
5- Online viewing.
Right now NF is the winner winner but BB just bought a service to do this too.
6- Used to work there.
I never worked for NF. Therefore they win. Although BB was nice enough to provide me with the beginnings of my unimpressive film library.
Thursday, August 9, 2007
Here is an entire genre of television dedicated to people destroying themselves in pursuit of paltry prizes or cash. Since the shows are broadcast in Japanese and then dubbed with innuendo laced commentary I can only imagine what they are really saying about the contestants. Mostly I just say, "FUCK!!"
Below you will see a brief clip of said events. This is a montage of awesome and should he held as a dual benchmark. One for awesomely funny and one for how not to be awesome.
C4us3 I am 3117 I h4ve fixed teh vid3o!!1!11!
Monday, August 6, 2007
Now for something completely different...
Lets recap what was awesome about the weekend.
1- Went to a 30th birthday party and signed the shirt of the birthday boy under the chin with an up arrow and the words, "Balls go here".
2- A certain lawyer who may or may not lead a deviant lifestyle went batshit insane over a trivial rule in Omaha Hold-em.*
3- I had a hangover.
5- I figured out yet another way to scam the system and avoid paying my bills for an extra week.
6- Despite a couple losses the Cubs are only 1 game out of 1st with 52 games remaining.
7- I didn’t leave the house yesterday.*
(*- may or may not be considered awesome but since this is my blog that isn’t up to you.)
Friday, August 3, 2007
In this case, the following clip is absolutely awesome, unless you happen to be this guy or his family/friends. He walked away from the incident, so he may also consider this awesome after he picks up his shoes from the next town over.
Thursday, August 2, 2007
He's pretty "now" if you're a Phillies fan. And by "now", I mean...wait, I don't know what the fuck that means. Damn you, ESPN! Stop doing stupid segments on "who's more now". The senseless term is creeping into my vocab. Not awesome.
Perhaps you improve the segment by trying to decide "who's more awesome?" That's definitely more quantifiable. If you're looking for panelists, I know a couple of, ahem, guys that could probably help out.
If ESPN doesn't pick this up, maybe OM and RDukes could create our own bracket tourney.
The one thing that sticks out in my mind as exactly 100% not awesome and that is the Jesus freaks. Although I am not a religious person I do have respect for those who are. My problem lies within the gross inequity of a persons’ general nature to the amount of Christian paraphernalia they have surrounding their desks. It has been my observation that the more poorly conceived/ executed “Work Place Prayers” and faded mustard stained Footprints in the Sand printouts the more ornery that person seems. I am not sure if one’s level of religiosity is purely tied to how much Christian propaganda they can accumulate.
By contrast my grandmother, who passed away 6 years ago, had 1 cross and 1 bible in her home. Coincidently she also knitted afghans for the homeless up until about a week before she died. Not surprisingly she was awesome.
Lesson of the day….
Back off Jesus freak. His name wasn’t even Jesus.
I'm trying to give that company more money by upgrading my plan and hardware, but their "systems" won't allow me to do that easily. Fucking 2 year contracts.
I'm hopeful that the government will soon begin regulating the fuck out of the wireless companies. I hate this shit. It would take a fucking miracle to make cell phone companies awesome. They always suck. Always.
If they cut me a deal on the phone or something, then it might be pretty cool. But it wouldn't be eligible for aweseome-hood until I see that first bill. Regardless of how many reassurances I get on the phone, I just know there's going to be some bullshit on that next bill in the form of an extra charge or not getting a credit I thought I was going to get (because like a dumbass, I believed the sales rep.).
When that happens, I'll have to call customer service again. They'll tell me that there's no record of the seemingly awesome deal I was cut. And then I'll write about it.
Wednesday, August 1, 2007
So the proprietor of this blog, one Mr. R Dukes, asked if I too would care to contribute. Not only does Mr. Dukes have impeccable taste and a propensity to wrestle but he knows deep down that I am awesome.
I cannot tell you how many times I have heard people talk about how they want to be as awesome as I am but the sad truth is that you’re born with it. Now I know some people will say, “Surely I can learn or at least try to be as awesome as the both of you.” It is true that all you can do is try, and by all means please do. If the attempt is made then it may in some small way make my life easier as I would have to deal with fewer not-awesome people. Also my name isn’t Shirley.
Posted below you will find a video contained within the ubiquitous halls of YouTube which is a classic example of what I am talking about. Never mind that the teams depicted in this clip are no more than 10 years old. This is no excuse for being punked. I think Charles Darwin said it best…
“If you suck at life, you’ll die.”
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
-Trying to get fit...will I become awesome?
-Taking on big utilities...will this help me get special perks with customer service?
This might be the most awesome preview ever.
On this blog.
You've ruined a young man's dream. How? Your stupid company telling me how to improve my resume (and upon further inspection of your profile, how to improve my erection) has stolen http://awe-some.blogspot.com/. That's how.
This is not awesome.
You suck and I hope you burn in hell.
R to the Dukes
What is Aw-some? It's a blog. That is, contrary to the spelling, going to be awesome. In short, we will be dedicated to all things awesome. Coupled with this task is mentioning all those things that aren't awesome.
So really, this thing is about deciding what is awesome and what is not. I think we're up for it.